Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sperry Split Brain Blitz Predictions

Mac side of brain: hiya, BFF s!!!!!

PC side of brain: Salutations.

MAC: like, isnt it like totally R U 4 real- the big Bs are in the semis?

PC: I am having difficulty parsing your grammar. My lookup algorithms suggest that you perhaps are referring to the upcoming encounter in the US Chess League between the Boston Blitz and the Carolina Cobras?

MAC: duh u = n00b

PC: Furthermore, your comment implies surprise that the Boston Blitz have reached the East Semifinals. I find your bewilderment itself bewildering, for both historical (the Blitz advanced to the Finals in 2007 and have the 2007 USCL Player of the Year) and statistical (the Blitz have two of the top 10 Bionic Lime rated players, with two more in the top 25 and they consistently utilize a two grandmaster lineup) analyses indicate that the Boston Blitz were favored to enter the later stages of the playoffs, possibly even the finals next week.

MAC: OMFG, like y do u have to b buggin on me?????????????? i can make predictables 2, u know. i dont need no e=mc2 math 2 C the big Bs are dope. i wuz only sayin

PC: Your banal banter does nothing to assuage my ennui. Before your otiose conversational style completely flatlines my neural processes, let us dialogue about the Blitz-Cobras match, board by board.

MAC: ROFL, ur aware that latin is dead-- atinlay is eadday, piggie!

PC: Perhaps your brain's attentional centers will someday focus on the fact that your language is not even a language.

Here are this week's matchups.

Carolina is White on Boards 2-4. Carolina also has draw odds.

Boston Blitz Carolina Cobras
GM Eugene Perelshteyn: 2619 IM Lev Milman: 2502
SM Jorge Sammour-Hasbun: 2576 FM Oleg Zaikov: 2376
SM Marc Esserman: 2307 FM Ron Simpson: 2346
NM Ilya Krasik: 2144 NM Craig Jones: 2320
Avg Rating: 2412 Avg Rating: 2386

Board 1. GM Perelshteyn vs. IM Lev Milman

MAC: OMG! lev is a cutie. he wins imho.

PC: Because his hands are shielding much of his face, my symmetry analyzers are incapable of elucidating whether Lev's features fulfill the criteria of your "cute" claim. Nevertheless, his appearance is completely irrelevant to his abilities to play a game of chess.

MAC: pffft.
PC: Curiously, however, by rationally assessing the merits of your claim that Lev will win over Eugene, I find much to praise. Lev Milman has been playing very well this season. For example, his active play against Pascal Charbonneau's tentative maneuvers in last week's Quarterfinal match with New York is noteworthy.

MAC: if u think that is gr8, check it: milman-fang. foxwoods

PC: Yes, that finale shall be enshrined in tactical workbooks for years to come. We must not forget, however, that his opponent is a strong player as well. The parsimonious prediction is a draw.

MAC: win for the cutie. ;)

Board 2. Jorge Sammour-Hasbun vs. Oleg Zaikov.

PC: Although Zaikov is a capable player, he is too mercurial.

MAC: Mercutio? i dont know him

PC: I believe you mean Horatio.

MAC: oh, horatio, i knew him ?

PC: Nevermind. Simply examine his nice draw with GM John Fedorowicz last week and his loss to FM Bartell the week prior and his loss to IM Vovsha in the penultimate regular season round. The Cobras have performed wonderfully this season, but Zaikov on Board 2 has not been the main reason. Jorge Sammour-Hasbun excelled this year and excels in high pressure matches. Few brows will furrow in consternation were I to predict that Jorge will garner the full, critical point.

MAC: i say j-blast, whatevs

Board 3: Simpson-Esserman

MAC: Hmmmmm, donuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

PC: My probability matrices place the odds that your blatent joke has been previously told as asymptotically approaching 100%.

MAC: k. i dont wantmy friend essermn to hurthis hand ifhe looses,so i heva 2 sy that markie wins. justsee lizzyknowsall intervw with matan bout marc and the door

PC: Esserman nearly won USCL MVP honors this year and is very dangerous with the white pieces. If I were to place a wager on the outcome of this game, I would maximize my winning chances by predicting an Esserman victory. Like my logically deficient lesser half, I have a modicum of fond feeling for Marc Esserman that may be clouding my crystal ball neural network. Such are the vagaries of the human condition!

MAC: pc exclaims!!!!!!! WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is ur flux capacitor broke, doc? !!!!! are awesome !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Board 4: Craig Jones vs. Ilya Krasik

MAC: ilya p3wns jones. upset- u heard it hear 1st i am like, totllay confient-take it 2 de bank.. n e 1 whooze a hater can kma loosers.

PC: Since I can not comprehend what you just said, I can not pontificate on the potential accuracy of your prognostication. I shall essay the following observations. Jones has been very strong all year long. Krasik has been playing steady chess many weeks in a row. Boston needs to overcome draw odds this week, so a placid outcome for Board four would be an acceptable outcome for the home team. As the Boston Blitz have an on-paper advantage on boards 1-3, a fractional result on the 4th board would place them upon the threshold of the finals.

MAC: u r a wus

PC: y? --------malfunction ------------

Pardon me. Why?


PC: I suppose I can take solace that you left the caps lock off during most of our conversation. Good day.

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